^It’s coming alright…back up in a vomit of SHIT!
*cracks open a 24 box of booze*
hello-
I am gonna be DRINKING my mind away from this filth. SO BARE WITH ME.
you know what- fuck it- SPOILERS AHO!!! (this movie sucked so bad, spoilers are needed to save your wallet from a wasteful purchase)
I am not kidding. I hated this…and was SO HIGHLY DISAPPOINTED. (I actually looked forward to this movie. I really did.
Six tourists hire an extreme tour guide who takes them to the abandoned city Pripyat, the former home to the workers of the Chernobyl nuclear reactor. During their exploration, they soon discover they are not alone.
That was my lovely set up that I got excited for. This is a concept I like. A horror/Thriller movie taking place in the only ‘legitimately’ SCARIEST place on Earth. AT NIGHT…alone.
I mean ok because I feel the need to- I am providing a QUICK history lesson.
The disaster began during a systems test on Saturday, 26 April 1986 at reactor number four of the Chernobyl plant, which is near the city of Prypiat and in close proximity to the administrative border with Belarus and Dnieper river. There was a sudden power output surge, and when an emergency shutdown was attempted, a more extreme spike in power output occurred, which led to a reactor vessel rupture and a series of explosions. These events exposed the graphite moderator of the reactor to air, causing it to ignite.[3] The resulting fire sent a plume of highly radioactive smoke fallout into the atmosphere and over an extensive geographical area, including Pripyat. The plume drifted over large parts of the western Soviet Union and Europe. From 1986 to 2000, 350,400 people were evacuated and resettled from the most severely contaminated areas of Belarus, Russia, and Ukraine.[4][5] According to official post-Soviet data,[6][7] about 60% of the fallout landed in Belarus.
^source Wikipedia/chernobyl disaster
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chernobyl_disaster (for those who want to find more)
Any way now on to my 3 part review. I am gonna take a detour from my normal routine of doing this because this movie just filled me with RAGE from the get go. (not kidding…much rage was had.)
Part 1- The Set up and Act 1
Bow chicka shit fest! that is how this movie starts out. I am not kidding I figured it’d be low budget but OH MY GOD IN HELL Bradley Parker- your first directing job and you’re having us watch this shit in “shakey idiot with the digi cam view” well I am regretting my choice already. Thank…OH SHIT it’s Jesse McCartney…and boy did he gain weight….wow sorry folks that distracted me for a minute, seeing a ‘husky roxas.’
yeah so anyway, I guess “Chris” (Jesse) and his girlfriend Natalie (no one important) and their friend Amanda are apparently GOING TO EUROPE to travel the sights and eventaully meet up with Chris’ brother, Paul, in Kiev (little fun fact but my great grandmother is from there lol) where he now lives. This is typical movie starting- really cheesey sight seeing. Lame picture opps, bad puns/jokes and occasionally corny moments for the couple. (sitting on the back of a cannon while she sits on the front and acting like it’s your dick is NOT original McCartney!)
Now when we get to Kiev finally (god it was painful to wait) Paul and Chris are talking about how Amanda is now SINGLE (yeah guys- Paul, is a man whore. ladies line up at the exit because he just wants your jiggly parts) but Chris eventually steers the conversation to him and Nat, and about how he wishes to propose to her in Moscow when their journey/trip is at it’s end. (Whooo for Moscow!!) Well that night/next night (not sure really they don’t really explain time very well here) they are out partying/drinking in Kiev and almost get in a fight. (POINTLESS)
NEXT MORNING (this one is actually obvious due to the banter about hang over foods) Paul bursts into the dining area of Chris and the ladies and says “I have met Uri. and URI is *mocking Russian Accent* excited to take us to Pripyaht.” (Chernobyl for the ignorant masses.) Chris- being McCartney- says no and that they should just go to Moscow. Paul -being the douche- says NO!! It’s the dead city, photo
ops…mystery…FUN!!!! (some how winding up conning the ladies into it…wait what?!)
Later we move to meet Uri. Ex Spec Opp of the Motherland, over all bad ass and kinda likeable. Even though we know little to nothing about his character other then he does extreme tours, likes jokes and occasionally talks big and flexes his lovely arm muscles. We also meet the hipsters. (anyone wanna bet how they die?! Russia loves hipsters) Michael and Zoe (wow we have a Chris, Michael and Paul. Zoe Amanda and Natalie. Then Uri….you know for a movie taking place in Russia/Kiev/Ukraine- I expected…I dunno a lot more diverse names. oh well.)
Part 2- ….yeah just part 2….
As you all probably do or do not know. Recently (few years now I guess) the Russian Government has opened up some/parts of Pripyat to Tourism. *twitch…twitch* However this only is possible by armed escort and such (kinda sketchy if a DESERTED TOWN/CITY NEEDS RUSSIAN SOLDIERS TO PROTECT IT’S TOURIST!!!….no seriously)
back to the shit. Uri brings them to Pripyats checkpoint. Soldiers tell him- NO today, maintenance is going on, come back later. Of course because it’s a movie- Uri goes “well fuck this shit, there is back door Uri knows about, let’s use back door!” Which they do…it’s a dirt road in the woods abandoned and kinda sketchy. Leading them through the back way into Pripyat and by a River. (Yes there are still rivers in that area, they are HIGHLY contaminated so don’t swim in them!) Well they stop next to it first and Uri plays a prank and fakes a creature grabbing his arm in the water to scare the group. (was actually QUITE funny till he tosses jerky in the water and bunch of things swim after it) before they leave they find a “dead fish” (no picture sadly I actually looked for a “picture of said fish” and yeah moving on.
They finally reach Pripyat and park near the ferris wheel.
^THIS ONE lol
the proceed to look around the town and be all stupid. Sorry but I personally would LOVE to go to Pripyat and poke around. BUT not without at least 1 Apache Indian, 25 Russian Bounty Hunters, 4 stormtroopers, Leviathan, Cthulhu 10 marines, 4 chuck Norrises and maybe a nuclear holocaust causing device which I am safe from. But still six tourists and an ex Russian Soldier are strolling through the streets and checking out the buildings. Eventually leading to one of the apartment buildings. WHERE A DEAD…DOG…THING is rotting on the stoop. They just walk by and up to the top floor apartment to overlook the city at the reactor. So far nothing “BAD” has happened which is alright. I mean giving an atmosphere that maybe the “bad stuff” will be mental you know? Radiation from the city causing them to go gaga and see shit? Who knows.
THEN CRASH, a noise and everyone goes dead silent. The soldier in Uri comes out of no where and prepares to investigate, creeping down halls towards the noise, everyone follows at a distance and after a few minutes of GUT WRENCHING ANTICIPATION WE GET!!!…WE GET …..
hahah Russian Bears on Unicycles… not really it was actually THIS
barreling down the hallway at our young hero…idiots. scared a few people- I laughed.
Anyway apparently smokey over here convinces everyone that it was time to leave. Yeah…not the dead mutant fish….the dead mutant dog…but smokey the russian bear without a unicycle….FUCKING TOURISTS!
Part III…..
ok so a horror movie in daylight would be innovative, but not the case here. We need a little MOOD lighting…in the form of pitch black scary dark, quiet and over all GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA THERE with a touch of stress, hunger, paranoia and such.
(bad movie….giving us the exact OPPOSITE of what would get us paranoid.) Well in the dark you can’t see shit out of the van that got us to Pripyat AND….well apparently something broke the starter wires. Not worn down but BROKE as in something “semi intelligent” chewed/ripped/broke them on their own of a conscious decision. So now we get to fun stuff, what oh what could have done this? Was it ….sorry kids no time to think about it- it’s SEARCH THE DARKNESS FOR THE SOURCE OF THE SOUND GAME!!
Zoe hears “a child” and Uri pulls outta gun (ha, Russian with a gun, who saw that comin) and tells everyone to STAY put..wait…really? oh smart move movie. Ok I’ll take this, Soldier telling civilians to STAY put in sense of danger while he goes to look in the dark with a gun…and wait..NO!! NO JESSE…You HAVE MORE TO SING FOR!!……yeah Chris gets pissed yells at his brother then follows Uri. after ear piercing silence the gun goes off…a few times….and then silence again…followed by Paul bailing out of the van to save his little brother…(held on as long as you could huh movie? the ONE SMART GUY….ignored in a shit storm of idiocy…well I know where this is gonna lead.)
Well Paul returns with Chris…and apparently Chris was mauled by either:
- A- A tiger
- B- The bear
- C- Dogs
- D- Derpy Pony on Meth while tripping shrooms he bought from sunshine bear and howdie doodie. (I think it’s this one)
THE NEXT DAY- well we wake up, Chris is getting worse and everyone is freaking out because Uri is not back and well HE HAS THE GUN. So Paul, Michael and Amanda decide- WE WILL FIND HIM!…leading to what I call “dumb fucks r we”
Now don’t get me wrong, I guess in a REAL situation after what they saw happen to Chris you want to at LEAST find out if Uri is alive/hurt/dead….not for actual curiosity but guilt/riddled with compassion. We are after all human and would want the same done for us…but in this case- I say fuck the Commie Marine, he had his shot but chose to get bum fucked by life. Now while they search they have eventually reached where he was last seen and discover…Blood. along with a DARK spooky hallway.
THAT kind of creepy/dark/quiet/weird- not this exactly but close to it. Well a lot of blood is trailing the floor (no I am serious- they make a point that there was TOO MUCH blood trailing the ground leading them deeper in the building) Well we find…what’s left…of Uri, yeah something/someone ate him, well was eating him. They didn’t show anything “DETAILED” but silhouettes of someone.
Well they got the gun now and PAUL LETS GO THREE ROUNDS! INTO A DOOR!! GOOD GOING GENIUS! I am guessing there was what? 3/4 shot last night, plus your 3, so if we are using real guns here there should be about….8 (at most) bullets left in a city full of things trying to kill you….just give up, you all are dead just stop, go lay in the road and wait for them to eat you. it’ll be easier. seriously. easier for me.
Well on their way back, they meet back up with everyone and decide they are gonna book it on foot, 13 miles to the exit- MEN CAN DO….oh wait…Chris can’t walk…at all…ok, Paul, Michael, Zoe, Amanda- leave them alone with the gun and a walkie talkie and go look for something/someone to help. >.> really?!?
They do this and along the way find the dogs again, eating what looks like a corpse of some kind. So avoiding it, they continue through the woods and find a parking lot with buses, cars, and shit from the time of Pripyat…when it was well, not dead. Including a bus RIDDLED with bullet holes. Not shooting IN but out. Some one was INSIDE blasting his way out at everything outside. I am starting to get sketched out to my “yeah…lets just fucking leave, no more looking around, but LEAVE” mode. But no, Michael finds a van (just like Uri’s o.O wtf?!) and rips out the EXACT part they are looking for, and it seems to be in perfect shape. (eh alright maybe this is where it gets back to normal smart land.) NOW MIND you remember how I said ealier- time was fucking dumb here?
Well they are at the car lot at like I wanna say mid day or ish and they are chased from there BACK to the van (getting from the van to the lot must have taken maybe 2 hours max- so getting back is what? 3 at most? so AT LATEST it has to be like I dunno 6/7 at night…IT shouldn’t be pitch black yet! (BAD MOVIE!! pick if you wanna stick with physics or not!) -.-
Oh and the van is gone….a chair is left….so is some blood. but the van….IS GONE….nope no its not, it’s around the corn….er…. destroyed…. ransacked… ruined… in pieces… and missing Chris and Natalie. *insert Paul’s Breakdown*
SEARCH FOR CHRIS! (oh I guess Natalie too)
Not really, everyone but Paul says they need to leave, and find help, because finding Chris would be easier with help…not with a bunch of scared, hungry, stupid 20 year olds with a tire iron, gun and camera. well Paul is like FUCK THIS SHIT!
and they go looking….and find natalie….freaked out and completely outta her gourd. Oh apparently at that time Michael finds a map.
Part EHHHHH…..
I am making this part to skip a lot of chases/jump scares and useless dribble. To paraphrase- Scary girl from trailer appears. Natalie is taken. Michael wastes the last of the bullets on hungry hoard of Chernobyl zombies, then is eaten/dead. Zoe breaks down. Zoe is killed trying to climb ladder. …..uhhh yeah that saved me a whole hour of typing…
*presses play* back to normal Now we are down to Amanda and Paul running through underground tunnels to God knows where (I apparently am God cause I called it during the movie) and being chased by “le Horde” well low and behold…they arrive in a “room” and find a ring…an engagement ring….of Chris’ and then LEAPER ZOMBIE! (jump scare) *fast forward again* ok so more running, random crying…umm a few more jump scares…gut churning silence/atmospher…..ok here we are.
oh look…that radiation meter thing Uri had is beeping!…ALOT and your face is melting? eyes burning…radiation killing you…hmmm where could you be…REACTOR NUMBAH FOUR BITCHES! you have gone where Uri said NOT TO GO… NOT TO GO…DO NOT ENTER…AVOID AT ALL COST…well let’s see if they make it, they MUST be near the end. we have runnig through stair wells, down halls, across a bridge thing and to what looks like a loading bay door….FREEDOM…safety….they made…OH no…more zombies…and look- two have jumped you form behind and Paul is now blind from the radiation….Amanda- to the rescue!!! kill/knocks out the zombies and runs BACK INTO THE reactor building…down more halls.. dear god just DIE you two end this fucking movie…wait what is this…no way…*goes into announcer mode* they are running down the home stretch. We know because the soundtrack is getting hopeful. The music is getting louder and their pace is quickening….is that a doorway ahead….oh it is…they are right there folks! WHAT’S THAT ahead of them?!
no not that…kinda wish it was that..would be scarier then what I’ve seen so far.
any way- no it’s the fucking RUSSIAN MILITARY…with an APC (armored personal craft) ready to save the…wait…you’re shouting at me in russian.. *Reads subtitles* “…stop or we’ll shoot!?” Wait no…we need help!! we are being chased by shit, we are sick…we need help…Oh wait…Paul is shot…damn…Amanda cry over his corpse…cry like a woman cries in these movies….what is that soldier doing?! AMANDA!!…Apparently covering living people with a tarp is a Russian thing…in this situation.
Ending-
Ok….finally it’s over. Amanda lives…kinda cliche but I’ll take it…doctors have her, she is safe. they are asking questons…her body is scared, she is mentally destroyed, all intents she just got raped by life and is realizing her mistake in coming to Europe in the first place….ok…moral conclude…wait what do you mean she is now in some concrete walled, secret like building/bunker with doctors in all hazmat gear and everything all creepy….wait a minute….they are not doctors!!…That was not how it ends happy… NO DON’T PUT AMANDA IN THAT CONCRETE ROOM WITH THE GIANT STEEL DOOR…..
AMANDA!!!!!!….well this blows….she is in a Russian Therapy mental place…I guess it’s to help with the truama…wait?…..FUCKING A it was a conspiracy movie…..FUCKING A!!!!
fuck you movie
FUCK YOU
yeah…that is…was…I guess…Chernobyl Diaries…shitty movie..everyone dies…we don’t even see them become part of the horde thing, we don’t see much of really anything sadly…over all the reason this scared me. Was because I was scared the shit fest wouldn’t end.
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